THE BIG GIG HAS MOVED TO BLOGSPOT!!!!!!!!!!!! June 28, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in All Mixed Together, Everything Is Rigged, Product Reviews, Rave Reviews, Television.3 comments
THE NEW LOCATION:
http://thebiggig.blogspot.com/
Rave Reviews For The Big Gig’s Comedy June 26, 2006
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Saturday night The Big Gig was a star! Well, late afternoon…
"It was like Joe Montana on a touchdown drive. Boom! Boom! If there was a bigger audience, there'd have been more people!'
-John Madden
"I haven't been that weirded out since Joe the Cucumber performed a memory wipe on my hard drive. He brought over a hunk of Jarlesburg from Bilderberg that's still reeking up my fridge."
-Dennis Miller
"In the first minutes I noticed my panties getting a little sticky. By the time he was getting blue I was self-rocking my pussy with cocktail straws and ice. I went to the bathroom to clean up but I wound up just fingering myself and missed the second half. Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to approach him."
-Anne Hathaway
"Watch his act again? I'd rather eat dinner with Carson Daily while having bamboo splinters inserted under my toenails. I take that back, I'd rather have the bamboo splinters and dinner, but keep that no talent away from me."
-Louie Anderson
"Eating babies? Lipstick blowjobs? He's fucked up in the head. Now kick ass!"
-The Ghost of Morton Downey Jr.
EIR Picks Reality TV Winners… For You, Oh Readers! June 22, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in All Mixed Together, Everything Is Rigged.2 comments
For those of you who dropped a testicle, sold your ‘92 Sentra (Blue Book $1200) and bet the cash on Miami to win the series as picked on this blog, you more than doubled your money (x2.4). Now, chump, go get your car back, buy another weeks rent in your disgusting furnished room, go grocery shopping, and put:
80% of the remaining profit on Josh Blue to win Last Comic Standing @ 5-2
Although The Big Gig has a personal friend involved in the LCS competition, EIR has crazy spidey sense tingle on Josh Blue. He'll make the finals, and America will love him. EIR has a nice track record for these reality picks. Dat Phan in season 1 LCS, Kelly Monaco on Dancing With the Stars, and now we'll try Josh Blue.
15% on Rachel to win Hell’s Kitchen @ 11-5
5% on Garrett to win Hell’s Kitchen @ 30-1
OK, Garrett’s a longshot, but 30-1 is absurd. I don’t know who is handicapping TV at Bodog, but they’re leaving the door wide open. The idea that Keith is 3-1 and Tom is 10-1 while Garrett is a 30x shot is ridiculous. EIR is convinced it’s the opposite, and he’s the only male who has a chance. And remember, oh reality TV viewer, there’s a decent chance that after 1 or 2 more eliminations the teams will be shaken up so if the odds are being set on the idea that its going to be a full team of females going against a team of fewer and fewer males there’s a problem. And that’s where EIR swoops in.
Meanwhile the odds on favorite is Heather @ 1-4. That’s not 4-1 people, that’s 1-4. As in, bet 4 bucks to win 1. Y’know, put up your new Jag for a chance to win a rusted Chevy Citation. She’s definitely the cutest, which is as solid a way as any to pick, and she’s a viable candidate, but 1-4 has got to be Bodog fearing too much money on the pretty face resulting in a loss for the book if she hits. Meanwhile, Rachel is a legit chef and has been decently below the radar. I missed the first episode so I don’t know if she opened with a disaster, but I’d figure her to win this thing before Heather for sure. If its making the finals because a pretty face looks good on TV, Heather, but as for actually handing someone a restaurant, Rachel.
BTW check out the board at http://www.bodog.com/sports-betting/tv-film-movie-props.jsp. They got some sweet stuff up there including bets on crying, burning, and service for the next episode of Hell’s Kitchen, and bets on hurricanes hitting the U.S.
Mmm, as I type this the odds board just came down. They may be re-setting it right now. I'll re-post if there's a major shift. I hope they don't move J Blue or Garrett. I want my odds on those 2.
The Big Gig Move: Soon, soon June 19, 2006
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The Big Gig apologizes for the lack of commentary on The Big Gig. It's hard to post knowing the move is coming.
Bloodwork for the girls should be back this week and all else being equal, The Big Gig will accept the location offer which includes the cleanest of the girls from this past week. The new location will be posted here.
The Big Gig would also like to say
-Shaq should move to the 2 handed set shot for the remainder of the series.
-Scrotum skin is a delicate tissue.
-Baskin Robbins Ice Cream being out of chocolate is unacceptable, even at 2 AM.
The Big Gig’s Big Move June 12, 2006
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Here at the offices of The Big Gig the staff anxiously await final word as The Big Gig ponders a move to a better site. Boxes vicked from the local liquor store are filled up with porno DVDs, hair care products, rubber band balls, and makeup mirrors as the employees empty their desks in anticipation of the move.
While Gig has remained quiet, WordPress's ‘gifting’ of private office space, cash by the post, and limo privileges, are just not holding up as the competition has begun to offer up more serious goodies.
“Well, I don’t know the details, but blogspot asked what kind of money it would take to have the entire staff of The Big Gig have 24 hour access to oral privileges on demand. I gave them a figure and they’re mulling it over,” says Jenny McCarthy through her dick suckin' lips.
This only fuels the rumor that the offers from blogspot and several other prominent sites do indeed include sex, rooms in Atlantic City and Las Vegas, regular delivery of high quality alcohol and drugs, along with the standard cash compensation.
There will be a pause in the action here at The Big Gig as Gig and the gang go down to A.C. to gamble and get their Jimmies waxed, all on the dime of prospective new hosts. Watch this space for the new locatin, TBA upon their return.
Paris Hilton and Cocaine, A Perfect Way To Find The Big Gig June 12, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in Uncategorized.1 comment so far
The Big Gig is proud to welcome the browser who stumbled upon The Big Gig after typing in a search on 'paris hilton cocaine.' The Big Gig is a fan of everything in this 3 word search, taken separately or together, and commends the searcher on having typed it in and hit the search button. It is our sincere hope that The Big Gig was up to the task of satisfying at least some of the curiosity which drove this quest. Again, ‘paris Hilton cocaine’ is exactly the sort of phrase we here at The Big Gig are fans of.
But, oh faithful reader, we here at The Big Gig have had our eyes opened. In fact, so much so that we're now proud to announce our continuing coverage of topics such as Heroin, Methamphetamines, Marajuana, Mary Jane, Weed, Herb, Ecstasy, Jack Daniels, Single Malt Scotch, Fine Wine, Red Wine, White Wine, Piss Beer, Cold Beer, Light Beer, Budweiser, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Brangelina, Vince Vaughn, Derek Jeter, Wal-Mart, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Methadone, Peer Pressure, Self Cutting, Emo Music, Self Medicating, Brain Cancer, Skin Cancer, Cervical Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Police Brutality, Hookers, Call Girls, Sexual Encounters, Sluts, Anne Hathaway, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Hicks, Catherine McPhee, Elliot Yamin, American Idol, Jeremy Piven, Oprah, Race Relations, Race Riots, Speed Dating, Looting Tips, Hampton Estates, Howard Stern, Beth Ostrosky, and any other damn thing you might search for when looking to shake a nut.
The Big Gig With A Look Back At The Big Gig June 11, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in All Mixed Together.1 comment so far
Now that The Big Gig has reached its banner 3rd day (The Diamond Encrusted Oyster Rolex Anniversary), the staff has finally agreed, it is time to look back, back to a time when The Big Gig was just a reference in an IM conversation sandwiched between rubbings.
THE CHRIS HANSEN ARTICLE
A lot of us don’t remember this now, but The Big Gig started with a critical piece on NBC Dateline’s Chris Hansen. On the one hand some said it was kind of dry, and contrived. Why kick off the party with an angry critic piece on rape coverage? On the other hand, since then, The Big Gig has gone on to its illustrious 3rd day. And wouldn’t you know it, after the congratulations calls came in from Paris Hilton, Mets 3rd Baseman David Wright, and The Rock, it was none other than Chris Hansen, explaining it was all an act and he actually agreed with everything The Big Gig said! Thanks Chris, and we got the sweaters and flowers. So yes, you’re welcome to come to The Big Gig Leather-Bound Christmas Spanking Party, but Chris, you were welcome anyway.
GIG SAYS: POMADE
When Gig stormed in with powerful ink on Pomade on day 2, well I nearly flipped. But damn it Gig! You made it work for you- and now I say, I was wrong. Your Pomade piece is the culmination of all the work done for the first 3 days and propels us in new directions for the future, maybe even 3 days from now.
-no need for apology, thanks for creating such a caring & nurturing environment – Gig
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE BIG GIG: NOW TELL US ABOUT THE BASH!
You got it. Gig decided to keep it low key, so we zoomed up to Foxwoods for a room party. After our handler hooked up some highly inferior bags of cocaine, Gig took things into his own hands and called the NYU Drug Princess Julia Diaco. She brought some great shit, but we had to tell her to leave and come back because her outfit was not revealing enough. She protested, but after a couple of lines and half a bottle of Champagne, she had other ideas.
Nicely buzzed on Julia, Champagne, and Apple-tinis, Gig and Co. joined up with the Fat Nick Minucci farewell party down in the casino. Gig went on a roll at Blackjack and quickly got ushered into the high rolling Newport Inn where he gambled with Tom Brady, Steven Tyler, and Edgar Prado. Prado was drunkenly explaining to us that any jockey worth his salt can get a horse to take a bad step, and that his $1.5 Million gambling roll that night was his payoff for tossing Barbaro in the Preakness. Then again, over at the craps table he told us that he controls the dice with his mind, right before losing the $100,000 bet he plopped on the ‘don’t pass’ line.
Julia was getting too fucked up so we did the right thing, putting her into bed, after cleaning any remaining money and drugs from her pockets, and some minor over-the-clothes groping. Then it was back down to the casino for poker with Foxwoods regulars James Woods, Brad Garrett and Anne Duke. James Woods got popped early and Gig made a big one with a slow play on flopped quad 8’s. Later on he bled most of his stack to Anne when she figured out what she later dubbed ‘the erection tell.’ After that Gig stepped away.
Back up in the room Gig found EIR getting a 40 dollar bang in the bathroom from a tall black streetwalker. EIR and Gig finished the lady with a double team and then finished Julia’s pocket ‘change.’ All I can say is the next day we found them in the Connecticut woods with their pants around their ankles.
THANKS FOR GIVING US THREE WONDERFUL DAYS
Pomade Review: Oh Yeah, a Pomade Review June 10, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in All Mixed Together, Product Reviews.add a comment
Pomade, not just for Grandpa Simpson.
American Crew: 5 Glops (best rating).
This stuff is off the hook. Sure, its 10 bucks for a tin the size of a walnut, but one drop of it and you're stylin' like Pat Reilly. This is everything you want in a Pomade. Somewhere between Vaseline and tar, this crap is beyond thick. Your hair won't stand a chance, it will be controlled like the dirty bitch that it is.
TRESemme Hydrology: 0 Glops (worst rating).
Everything you don't want from a Pomade. I think this shit is for girls. It smells like an apple. I want my Pomade scent to fall somewhere inbetween scentless and old man. Fuck apples. Its more like a jelly than a tar, it seems almost water based. That's not Pomade people, that's gel. $3.69 for a decent size can (about the size of your fist).
Everything Is Rigged Handicaps the NBA Finals June 9, 2006
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Everything Is Rigged saw the Miami Heat to win the Finals at +130 and knew he wanted it. Then it moved one click over to a sweetened +140.
EIR took it at +140. Damn the torpedoes! Everything Is Rigged can't pass on Shaq and Dwayne Wade as underdogs. It's about to get under way and the line is back down, +135. Got in at the perfect moment. Not much difference now anyway, laying about $70 bucks to win $100. $155 on the Mavericks will get you $100 if they take the series. Fave, sure, and yeah I saw Dirk in that game, but $155 seems like a lot to pay on Finals Rookies.
EIR smoked 2 cigars, and is going to smoke 2 more during the game. You seen that commercial with the guy swabbin' out the hole in his throat? Yeah, EIR was in tears, once he was done vomiting.
Miami in 6 at +460 ain't a terrible long shot. Ugh, looking at that +185 next to the Heat to win tonight ain't exactly reassuring. Well, it starts in Dallas.
GOOD LUCK BETTORS!
Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC Redefines the Shit Eating Grin June 8, 2006
Posted by The Big Gig in All Mixed Together, Television.2 comments
Chris Hansen. I've never seen such a smarmy self-righteous no talent. You've seen this right? "To Catch A Predator." The cops make online chat with child predators, and lure the potential rapists to a house with the promise of pumpin' some virginal 14 year old meat. Then, after a child voiced sweety lures the dupe into the house, his palms sweaty, his penis already growing erect, surprise: Chris Hansen pops out! He has questions ready to go! "What are you doing here?", "What did you plan to do?", "If I may read from your chat online, 'I want to blank you in every room in the house and then I want you to blank the cat.' Did you really want a 14 year old girl to pleasure a cat?" Go ahead Chris. Say it. You know you want to. I can see it in your face.
Besides the obvious thought of how does he do it with a straight face, I usually wind up thinking how the fuck is he so sleazy and high-horsed that I'm rooting for the child rapists?
There is a reason. Chris Hansen doesn't belong there. The cops do, and they are. Chris Hansen on the other hand is inserting himself to get a ratings bonanza under the guise of dishing out some justice in the form of scolding rapists. It’s infuriating. Hella watchable, but infuriating. Gee Chris, really tough spot, confronting a terrified child rapist red handed in front of your own camera crew. Really takin' a chance there. These pathetic blobs are in tears as they realize they're on National TV pokin' around for 14 year old poon. What do you really want them to say as you ask what they're doing there? Everyone knows already. These people have deep problems with the direction that their libido is facing and all you're doing is exploiting criminals cause its easy to hate on them. You're not changing them. You're not punishing them. You're making money off of them in the form of ratings. There's no easier target. Mr. Hansen, you're a dirty fuck.
Don't think this is a deterrent. When NYC developed a plan of putting 'johns' faces on billboards in order to thin the crowds of whores walking on the West Side during the Koch years, that was a deterrent. And believe me, this is where Mr. Hansen's inner strength comes from. The reason he has for telling himself he's so good as he looks in the mirror. He makes himself believe he's making a difference.
So he tells them they're free to go, when really, cops pounce the second they hit the door. It’s a game of tease the rapist. If it was the family of a previous victim, then I say, give 'em free punches. But it’s just a network stiff with a stick up his ass. What he's doing is despicably low, but he does it with people who are so low that he can stoop to the bottom and still be on top, safe and smelling clean. What an absolute loser.
A few years ago Dateline NBC ran a story about migrant workers. They followed one story, one family, across the country as they tried to survive on daddy's occasional berry picking salary. Then, one night, the family's van caught on fine. It was the family's only asset, their transport, and their home. It started as a little fire. The cameraman and reporter filmed as the fire grew, but they did nothing. The family came running back and did what they could to save it themselves. Sure, the Dateline crew could have snuffed the engine fire early on with just a hankie, but that'd be interfering. They must have taken some journalism school ethics class that explained to them why its morally correct to let a family's only means of survival burn to a crisp rather than lift a finger if it is part of a story you're covering.
But wait a minute. Isn't inserting yourself into a police sting of sexual predators, telling them they're free to leave, asking them questions on camera, and morally coaching their sorry asses… interfering? I guess even the freshman level of that journalism class explained that the interference rule only applies if it means prolonging recordable suffering.
I'd love to see every one of the people caught by Dateline NBC set free due to a technicality involving entrapment by a privately owned news company trying to make a buck by putting rapists in a show. What's so frustrating is that if those people were freed it would result in rapes, so I can't really root for that. At least then there could be a story about how NBC's Dateline fucked up a perfectly sound investigation by the Miami police and wound up freeing dozens of rapists.
Then we could all look the other way if the father of a rape victim decided to beat the shit out of Chris Hansen in an alleyway and piss all over his shit eating grin.
Chris you fuck. Just like Cops (whose legality I always thought should be brought to the Supreme court) your Predators show is so fucking watchable. You've caught us all in the double bind. I'd watch bestiality and murder if it was on TV. I'd be first in line. But it doesn't make it right. Don't act like it is.
